This day last year I was in A&E as a result of overdosing. That time I hadn’t taken enough tablets to be lethal, but I was still brought to the attention of the local psychiatry staff as a result.
I’ve gone a long way since then, with worse overdoses happening later in the year, and more than one admission to a psychiatric ward. I’m in a much better place than I was. Although my worries have evolved.
Since then I’ve gained weight, not that noticable visually, but definitely visible on the scales. That is what is irritating me today, and my mind briefly suggested another overdose to escape the problem.
My anxieties were heightened today, with a contamination becoming an almost unbearable load; I just left my flat and went to my parents to escape it. Later in the day (about 5 hours later) when I got back to my flat I was able to complete most of the decontamination to relieve the distress.
Today wasn’t fun, and had examples of almost every type of thought that could produce distress, except for nightmare scenarios in A&E or a ward. Fortunately I was able to dismiss them as insignificant. I am exhausted now however.
Contamination is my primary issue at the moment, with large amounts of cleaning materials being consumed. It would be great to obliterate it, but fighting it just makes it more traumatic, and causes my mood to crash. Calling myself “useless” or similar for it doesn’t help; it also provides an unwanted motive to self-harm.
As I’m writing this blog post it feels like I’m getting more and more disconnected from reality. Despite my fingers hitting the keys it doesn’t feel like I’m typing any more.
I suffer from tinnitus (persistent tone in my ears), and the noise has become really noticable right now; normally it’s background noise I filter out, but anxiety makes it get louder.
I’m safe, not about to hurt myself, and I’m going to finish the blog post with that.