Winning, sort of

For me this is

  • Getting up and showered, within 2 hours (that’s the best for now)
  • Getting a decontamination procedure done that’s stressing me out big time
  • Going to sleep without being afraid of what my mind might consider
  • Leaving my flat each and every single day
  • Keeping my (excessive) cleaning product consumption from increasing
  • Playing a new game or reading a new book
  • Writing a blog post

I haven’t posted in the last couple of days, and have been focussing on just getting the basics completed. I’ve managed to “win” so to speak.

Coping Mechanisms

Video games

Just shooting or destroying items on screen is cathartic. I play Overwatch (https://playoverwatch.com), and this week have withstood the anxiety of starting a new game and started one called Hades (http://playhades.com).

This game is about the son of the Greek god of death trying to escape the underworld. Which is a dark, miserable place where any occupants are trapped (including everyone who has died). Unlike most of the occupants the son of the god of death is alive, and reincarnates upon death again, and again, with no escape from his dismal reality. His only way out is to battle through all the levels of the underworld.

This makes a good analogy to recovery and restarting live after multiple suicide attempts. Life goes on, and the only rational way out, is to fight on, through a living hell.

This wasn’t what I had in my mind when I got the game, but I like the comparison. At the time I just liked the combat.

Walking

Walking just consumes time, with the end goal being that my mind will have sorted out whatever it is thinking about by the time the walk finishes.

This doesn’t always work, sometimes I break into running to vent stress – which helps. Going out in cold air is the most effective way to get my mind to “reset” (which is just clearing it of any impulses) and keep me safe.

Blogging/Diary (I have both)

Expressing how I feel is helpful. When something is written down it is much less scary as it is clearly acknowledged, as opposed to only inside my head.

Music

Listening to music provides a something for my mind to focus on. I like to call this providing the second track for my mind. The first track is whatever I’m doing at the moment. This avoids any ruminating, which I don’t want.

Onwards

I’ll keep fighting to win tomorrow. And the day after. To the future…

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Transition and recovery

This blog will cover my experiences recovering from OCD and its complications.

In the last week I have been told that I am no longer ill enough to have the local CMHT follow me.

The CMHT is the community mental health team. They work with people whose physical health is at serious risk as the result of a mental health problem. That no longer applies to me as it’s been nearly 4 months since the last incident where I was at risk.

While it’s good to have a sign of progress, I’m going to miss the members of the CMHT who keep track of me. I will lose having someone reliable to talk as they will no longer be available.

The road ahead is unlikely to be smooth, but, fingers crossed, I’ll do more than just survive.