Puppies

This is the first time I’ve tried this, but I just searched up puppy videos.

When I was younger my dad bred Golden Retriever puppies, so it brought up happy childhood memories. Definitely a plus!

The video I found

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Winning, sort of

For me this is

  • Getting up and showered, within 2 hours (that’s the best for now)
  • Getting a decontamination procedure done that’s stressing me out big time
  • Going to sleep without being afraid of what my mind might consider
  • Leaving my flat each and every single day
  • Keeping my (excessive) cleaning product consumption from increasing
  • Playing a new game or reading a new book
  • Writing a blog post

I haven’t posted in the last couple of days, and have been focussing on just getting the basics completed. I’ve managed to “win” so to speak.

Coping Mechanisms

Video games

Just shooting or destroying items on screen is cathartic. I play Overwatch (https://playoverwatch.com), and this week have withstood the anxiety of starting a new game and started one called Hades (http://playhades.com).

This game is about the son of the Greek god of death trying to escape the underworld. Which is a dark, miserable place where any occupants are trapped (including everyone who has died). Unlike most of the occupants the son of the god of death is alive, and reincarnates upon death again, and again, with no escape from his dismal reality. His only way out is to battle through all the levels of the underworld.

This makes a good analogy to recovery and restarting live after multiple suicide attempts. Life goes on, and the only rational way out, is to fight on, through a living hell.

This wasn’t what I had in my mind when I got the game, but I like the comparison. At the time I just liked the combat.

Walking

Walking just consumes time, with the end goal being that my mind will have sorted out whatever it is thinking about by the time the walk finishes.

This doesn’t always work, sometimes I break into running to vent stress – which helps. Going out in cold air is the most effective way to get my mind to “reset” (which is just clearing it of any impulses) and keep me safe.

Blogging/Diary (I have both)

Expressing how I feel is helpful. When something is written down it is much less scary as it is clearly acknowledged, as opposed to only inside my head.

Music

Listening to music provides a something for my mind to focus on. I like to call this providing the second track for my mind. The first track is whatever I’m doing at the moment. This avoids any ruminating, which I don’t want.

Onwards

I’ll keep fighting to win tomorrow. And the day after. To the future…

Am I abandoned by you?

Yes? No? Are you sure?

Didn’t I feel like this last week? It wasn’t true then…

Sometimes the smallest items can trigger feeling abandoned by an individual. A late reply to a message. They forget to message you.

Sure, some of the time it’s real, but most of the time it isn’t a slight to me personally. So far I’ve always found there’s a good reason. Eventually messaging resumes, with no issues remaining.

The impulse is to disconnect from the individual so this never happens again. I abandon them first, so they can’t leave me. From experience this isn’t ever the right technique, and when the reason clears up, they message me, without prompting.

Coping with these events is normal. Other people have stuff going on. However sometimes it can escalate, when both sides feel abandoned due to experiencing mental health issues.

A not so great way to test whether you’ve been forgotten is to not message the person on the grounds that they will message you. This isn’t a good idea, don’t do this at home, I’ve been advised by a mental health professional that it is destructive to relationships. It usually works just fine, the other person messages me; all my friends have “passed” the test way more than once.

This testing falls to pieces when both sides try the same tactic. There aren’t any messages. This tends to happen when both sides are experiencing low mood.

There’s only one solution, not running this “test”. Easier said that done, as the moment my mood crashes I lose the motivation to resist running the test. It’s really hard. When my mood is stable, I rarely consider it, but when my mood is low, it is done all the time.

Not sure that I can ask someone else to avoid doing it though, as I know that even knowing it’s a bad idea I still do it anyway. So how can I ask someone else to do better than me?

There isn’t a neat solution. Just trying not to jump to the worst conclusion, and then do the same again, again, and again.