Trigger Warning: This post contains feelings and thoughts about self-harm.
I really don’t want this to happen.
The last time it felt like support was unavailable when I was discharged from local CMHT (community mental health team) and it turned out that the referral for primary care had gotten lost, a couple of years ago. life seemed hopeless and I seriously self-harmed.
My parents have mentioned moving on with life and getting a job if the admission falls through. When asking my CPN what would happen if I didn’t qualify for the mental health inpatient admission it is that I’d have to do “something”, which could include getting a job (mentioned) or something else (left vague) and find a way to deal with my OCD in the community.
I don’t want that to be the case, as if its possible to manage my anxiety with a community intervention (and not an admission) it means that I am currently useless for not having managed it yet.
I’m scared of being in an environment with big deadlines when I can’t cope with them. I never want to feel that the only “exit strategy” is self-harm again. At the moment the promise of treatment feels like it makes self-harm unnecessary to coping as there’s always the promise of treatment and I have ongoing support.
There are bad memories of flunking out of university in the second year. This came from feeling unable to engage in academic work and deadlines, with an crippling anxiety about doing the “wrong thing”. Frustratingly I finished my first year with a score of approximately 80% – I can’t explain what then went so badly wrong that the second year ended with me not even passing.
Minor deadlines can leave me feeling too anxious to do the stuff necessary to complete them. I make slow progress – doing stuff intensively feels like way too much.
I don’t want to self-harm, but can’t help feeling worried that it could trigger in the future.
Discussing self-harm as a risk if I don’t get access to treatment feels too close to threatening to self-harm so I don’t want to bring it up with the CMHT. I’ve never been accused of threatening self-harm, however I am paranoid about being perceived to threaten self-harm. Second guessing people’s perception of how I’m behaving feels like an inhibitor to open discussion when my anxiety spikes.
All this risk could be resolved if I have a coping strategy that doesn’t revolve around the safety blanket of ongoing support. I don’t know how to build a better method yet; I’ll figure it out.
I’m feeling agitated this evening, so I’ve taken a sedative (lorezepam, 1mg, prescribed to me as PRN). I’ll shoud feel better tomorrow, as sleep usually helps.