Is it when I feel like I have nothing to do because the anxiety that I might be doing the wrong distraction prevents me from engaging in the distraction (Netflix in this case) to make myself feel better?
Is it when distractions feel pointless?
Is it when I feel uncomfortable and unsettled because my anxiety won’t settle down?
Is it trying medication that makes you more anxious temporarily?
Is it moving to a new location with restrictions on leave that will eventually be removed, but until then, despite not moving yet I’m still anxious?
Is it not being able to watch any of the TV shows my younger sister like because the number of sex references disrupt me trying to focus on the story (anxiety about anything sexual is a problem), even with 10s skips to get around the jokes I don’t like?
Or is it when I drop a book I initially liked (at least up to that point) because I didn’t want to trigger any intrusive sexual thoughts?
Is it when I start obsessing over meaningless small details, just so I have something to focus on?
Is it when I decide my anxiety is making my existence so unpleasant its worth using a sedative to calm down?
The short answer, nope, none of those reach the limit of what I have to tolerate just to exist. My anxiety can always get worse, and it feels like I have no choice but to endure it.
I always have to endure it though, and that doesn’t feel fair. Why me? Why can’t I escape the anxiety permanently?
There isn’t a good answer, it just is that way.
I just have to live for the moments inbetween when I feel alive and happy.
The moments when I speak with my little (aged 16) sister.
The moments when I chat with a friend.
The moments when someone else does something that makes my existence easier as I don’t need to worry about that thing now.
The moments when I’m running uphill and the physical exertion makes me feel alive.
The moments of intense focus when I’m lost in a fantasy world (books, video games, TV shows).
The moments I notice that my OCD is slightly less absorbing.
Every little victory matters, there’s no big moments, just lots of small ones that make me feel a little bit better, and they make it worth enduring the anxiety.