leave

Leaving the rehab unit

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I didn’t feel in control on the unit; was told by the staff to trust the staff and take the medication suggested, basically “take it”, and they then prescribed new medication after I said I didn’t want it. I’m already on medication, and haven’t even been on them long enough to know if my current meds are effective!

There is no way I was going to make myself endure another 7 days of isolation (no leave), so I left the premises, only to return 1.5 hours later and be told they had to search me and the isolation now had 14 days left (reset to the full time because I was off the premises).

I then left again, and slept in my flat overnight, before getting admitted to a psych ward because of my self-harm risk.

Leaving the unit gave me a sense of control that I had been missing from when I first arrived, however after returning to my flat I still felt that I didn’t have much control because of the lockdown making going out more stressful.

I don’t know how to restore the sense of control that I once had, but it feels like that is the only way to make me safe again.

Giving way

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Next step after being on a ward? Going to a recovery unit. Do I want to go? TBD.

Against

No leave for 2 weeks. That’s pretty much all my negatives.

It’s better than it was a couple of months ago, no leave at all; fortunately their policy has changed since then.

Would I have been under pressure (encouraged, advised, etc.) to go even if there wasn’t any leave? Maybe. Should I refuse to go based on that? Nope, that is hypothetical and deciding not to go based on an imaginary scenario is probably not a good idea.

For

Lots of positives.

  • Better environment than the psychiatric ward, more space (multiple rooms; kitchen, living area and garden to access)
  • I can have a power cord to plug my laptop in while using it (and a desk to use it on)
  • Own bathroom, no more sharing.
  • Psychologist who wants to help with my OCD
  • Staff (care coordinator and ward staff) view it as a good step forward.

Conclusion?

I feel like I should go. That it’s probably the right option. I’m just not convinced that I want to go.

Although as that that was how I felt about going onto a ward back in January and going onto the ward (eventually) helped, maybe this place will too.

What’s the limit?

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Is it when I feel like I have nothing to do because the anxiety that I might be doing the wrong distraction prevents me from engaging in the distraction (Netflix in this case) to make myself feel better?

Is it when distractions feel pointless?

Is it when I feel uncomfortable and unsettled because my anxiety won’t settle down?

Is it trying medication that makes you more anxious temporarily?

Is it moving to a new location with restrictions on leave that will eventually be removed, but until then, despite not moving yet I’m still anxious?

Is it not being able to watch any of the TV shows my younger sister like because the number of sex references disrupt me trying to focus on the story (anxiety about anything sexual is a problem), even with 10s skips to get around the jokes I don’t like?

Or is it when I drop a book I initially liked (at least up to that point) because I didn’t want to trigger any intrusive sexual thoughts?

Is it when I start obsessing over meaningless small details, just so I have something to focus on?

Is it when I decide my anxiety is making my existence so unpleasant its worth using a sedative to calm down?

The short answer, nope, none of those reach the limit of what I have to tolerate just to exist. My anxiety can always get worse, and it feels like I have no choice but to endure it.

I always have to endure it though, and that doesn’t feel fair. Why me? Why can’t I escape the anxiety permanently?

There isn’t a good answer, it just is that way.

I just have to live for the moments inbetween when I feel alive and happy.

The moments when I speak with my little (aged 16) sister.

The moments when I chat with a friend.

The moments when someone else does something that makes my existence easier as I don’t need to worry about that thing now.

The moments when I’m running uphill and the physical exertion makes me feel alive.

The moments of intense focus when I’m lost in a fantasy world (books, video games, TV shows).

The moments I notice that my OCD is slightly less absorbing.

Every little victory matters, there’s no big moments, just lots of small ones that make me feel a little bit better, and they make it worth enduring the anxiety.

I feel guilty about feeling…

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…anxious about the fact that I dislike the recovery unit’s status as prohibiting leave.

It’s OK to feel, its not bad or wrong, even when it feels bad and wrong for no reason.

I’m not in the unit yet.

I have a care coordinator who will ensure I get leave.

However…

I can still be unhappy with the policy of the recovery unit.

I can try to enjoy doing something not related to my recovery.

I can use sleep and walking as an escape.

Especially so when it feels like I can’t.

Even when just being me feels like it is something inexpressibly wrong.

P.S. I feel a bit better after writing this.

I won’t give up leave, not ever!

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I’m won’t give up my leave just to go to a recovery unit.

I won’t agree to being (effectively) trapped in a recovery unit (unit policy, no leave for residents to avoid Covid-19 risk).

It might be worth my while to self-harm just so they [the unit] won’t take me and I then can’t be pressured into going.

About 3-4 days is the most I’ve ever been constrained to a zone, and that was a potential Covid-19 quarantine; it wasn’t, so I didn’t have to find out what 14 days would be like!

I’ll have to endure 14 days of isolation just to start residing at the unit, and still have no leave!

On the plus side, I’m a voluntary patient so I can’t be forced to go, doesn’t stop the possibility causing me a lot of distress though.

Context

I’m on a psychiatric ward, and the current Covid-19 situation has complicated my discharge as limited community support is available.

The next step was to go to a recovery unit to get used to doing chores again. However Covid-19 has caused the unit to deny leave for patients.

The staff looking after me now appreciate that I won’t go without leave being agreed, as such they’re trying to get the unit to agree to leave.

Technically its not “no leave”, you get to go to a groceries store once a week.

There is a 14 day isolation period upon unit admission to ensure I’m not infected with Covid-19

The ward is permits exercise twice a day for an hour each, with the freedom to go wherever you can get to and back in that time. The lockdown isn’t great, but some leave is infinitely better than none.