Recovery, Maybe?

I’m alone.

I can access support if needed to avoid self-harm. My CMHT (community mental health team) is supportive.

My family speak to me (and meet up, I’m in a support bubble).

I feel broken.

How can I recover from OCD when I feel like a fraud – I’m not sure how to feel unwell when I’m not in incapacitating distress.

All my routines feel so ingrained and optimised to avoid any OCD triggers that it seems impossible to change them further. I can’t see how to ever add working into the mix – and if I can’t get to working, how can I ever feel recovered.

I consume 800 disposable gloves a month to avoid touching (and hence handwashing), so the time taken up by my OCD is reduced, but its impact isn’t removed.

CBT is intense as we’ve eliminated all the easy topics, so we’re looking at core beliefs. They drive my behaviour, but are distressing to identify. Exposure response prevention feels ineffective as it doesn’t generate as much distress as it needs to work. Imaginary exposure drags up memories of when my OCD prevented me from functioning, which I really really want to avoid – I felt trapped in darkness and couldn’t see a way out – and can trigger me feeling unable to speak.

There’s a secret blacklist of things that I can’t ever do. Speech occasionally gets on the list when my distress spikes. There are times when trying to distract myself feels wrong and sleep is the only way to cope.

I can zone out and go into “objective mode” which lets me do virtually anything, at the expense of feeling in control of my actions. Zoning out is also how I unlock the ability to seriously self-harm; which terrifies me.

I think that’s everything for now.

I don’t feel OK, but I can’t pick any one thing that makes it so.