I’m still anxious

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I’m still worried about going to another unit, which has no real leave. My current position: nope, not going unless their leave policy improves

Eating on the ward is a bit hit and miss, both shifts forgot to place mine up separately. I think my complaint to staff got misinterpreted as “the staff paid no attention to me”

I’m changing medication again, moving one dose up, and removing a medication (the new setup is 15mg aripiprazole and 250mg clomipramine). I wanted the changes but I am not liking the temporary increase in anxiety.

I did cry, and eventually relaxed somewhat after having 2mg lorazepam and talking to one of the therapists on the ward.

Changing room on a ward

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Today I was told that I had to move to another room on the ward. Big deal? Turns out it was, as I really didn’t want to endure the anxiety associated with being a new room. Initially I thought “I can do this”.

I then become focussed on the anxiety about moving altogether, but over time (3 hours…) I figured that the staff could help with with the issues with the furnishings in the new room. The staff suggested swapping the chest of draws and dust bin with the ones from my old room.

A couple of hours later things were setup in a way I liked, after going for walk to calm down, and spending time adjusting things.

So magically all good? Not yet, my anxiety about being in a different room is still there, it should fade with time though 🙂

Rationalisations used

Remembering that I’ve experienced being in a “new” and “clean” room before, this is just the same, except for the fact I already have a room that’s setup – previously I went in “blind” as a I had no idea what to expect from the room, this time I could see the new room, compare it to where I was, etc.

I was probably moved because they needed a new patient to be close the the office, and putting them in a room at the far end of the ward wouldn’t do that.

That, and they must have really wanted the room, as me freezing not doing much for hours didn’t get them to change their position.

The new room is in a quieter location; I don’t need to put up with noise from a radio now 🙂

I do trust you [care coordinator]…

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…but my past experiences haunt me.

I always plan an escape route upon entering an area. I’m not going to be trapped with or by people.

I can’t agree to going onto a ward. I did before and on one occasion it was extremely unpleasant.

I can’t focus on the positives. The negatives feel overwhelming. Times when I have I’ve felt so awful that it wasn’t worth it to try again.

P.S. I’m not feeling that positive at the moment.

I won’t give up leave, not ever!

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I’m won’t give up my leave just to go to a recovery unit.

I won’t agree to being (effectively) trapped in a recovery unit (unit policy, no leave for residents to avoid Covid-19 risk).

It might be worth my while to self-harm just so they [the unit] won’t take me and I then can’t be pressured into going.

About 3-4 days is the most I’ve ever been constrained to a zone, and that was a potential Covid-19 quarantine; it wasn’t, so I didn’t have to find out what 14 days would be like!

I’ll have to endure 14 days of isolation just to start residing at the unit, and still have no leave!

On the plus side, I’m a voluntary patient so I can’t be forced to go, doesn’t stop the possibility causing me a lot of distress though.

Context

I’m on a psychiatric ward, and the current Covid-19 situation has complicated my discharge as limited community support is available.

The next step was to go to a recovery unit to get used to doing chores again. However Covid-19 has caused the unit to deny leave for patients.

The staff looking after me now appreciate that I won’t go without leave being agreed, as such they’re trying to get the unit to agree to leave.

Technically its not “no leave”, you get to go to a groceries store once a week.

There is a 14 day isolation period upon unit admission to ensure I’m not infected with Covid-19

The ward is permits exercise twice a day for an hour each, with the freedom to go wherever you can get to and back in that time. The lockdown isn’t great, but some leave is infinitely better than none.

Meltdown postmortem

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Triggers (last day or so)

On the ward:

  • Wrong food supplied by the catering staff yesterday (and I didn’t eat half of it as a result)
  • Wanted to go out first thing in the morning, but had to wait 40 minutes for morning medication.
  • Being told I had to knock on a door to get staff attention (the contamination anxiety induced by that causes me to avoid knocking)
  • Distractions (phone, book, video games) all felt really unpleasant for no good reason.
  • Got forgotten at lunch time (usually I’m served first to avoid “contamination”).
  • I then refused to eat anything, which didn’t help either as I was actually hungry.
  • I was also worried about eating too much which led me to refuse breakfast, in retrospect that was a mistake as it would have meant I’d eaten something today, rather than nothing (so far, 15:20).

Coping strategies used

  • Yesterday: The usual distractions – which didn’t seem to do much
  • This morning: Going out for a walk/run – which helped
  • Had a shower (after running) – only took 30 minutes, which is a pretty good time for me, helped me feel OK.
  • Distractions (phone, laptop, etc.) – they were ineffective
  • Sedative (about 12:30) – limited effect
  • Crying (about 12:15 until about 13:15) – pretty effective, I felt better when I’d finally stopped crying.

The “meltdown” is the unrestrained crying. I felt unable to speak to anyone while it was ongoing; even though there was a nurse trying to speak to me.

I can feel something else?

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My emotions are less intense now. My anxiety is still a factor though.

Tried running when I was on a “walk” the last few days, seems to generate the most intense feelings at the moment.

I’m not even sure what I’m feeling most of the time, just that something, anything, intense is felt when running.

Now my emotions are turned down it seems that I want another thing that’s intense, fortunately running (short bursts repeatedly) is a safe, and practical, thing to do.

If I had to make a comparison I’d say its like I’m 15 again (22 now) and running just for fun.

Other people seem to view it as “OK” and react a bit surprised (I think). Its a bit scary as I’m feeling stuff that hasn’t been felt for a long time, and I don’t know what will happen next.

I’d say this is progress, but I don’t want to jinx it.

Missing: Intense emotions

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Description

Make coping in difficult situations even more difficult, and turn an “OK” situation into a nightmare.

Last seen

Unknown, I’m not sure when they dissipated, just that I have suddenly realised they are gone, and that what might be low might just be the absence of any intense emotions. Anxiety isn’t gone though (not an emotion).

Suspects

A medication known as aripiprazole. This effect only happened after I started taking it (along with increased anxiety, which seems to have faded)

Further steps

Speaking to medical professionals.

Additional notes

I miss the emotions.

Postscript

Doing different formats for blog posts is fun.

Intrusive sexual thoughts when feeling low

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Content Warning: sexual references (pretty vague references)

To me this feels unfair, why do I get thoughts and compulsions that I dislike when I’m low?

My perspective, I feel awful so my mind latches onto anything that might drag it away from the sensation of feeling bad.

The thoughts, despite being “normal” appear bad to me. The fact they increase when I’m feeling down only seems to reinforce this. When I’m ok my mind sometimes thinks them, but moves on, it doesn’t when I’m feeling low.

The thoughts are “pleasant”, but that doesn’t make them ok (to me).

For me feeling low and then having thoughts that make me feel useless at controlling my mind and coping over the fact I already feel useless, even if they are distracting at the time.

People can say stuff is “normal” and “ok”, but that doesn’t make it ok for me, or stop anything sexual being the worst possible contamination.

Talking about it feels “wrong” so I have to stick to being vague (mostly) just so I don’t stress myself out when I’m expressing how I feel. This is the case when explaining in person or even in a private journal entry nobody else will read.

P.S. Still on a ward. Trying a new medication, aripiprazole, that doesn’t leave me feeling great, yet (promises of feeling bad going away in a week – roughly)

Why do I go on?

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I don’t know.

I used to though? The plan was to go to a unit in London for treatment.

Now I’m scared the unit will refuse to treat me because distress still causes thoughts of self harm.

A unit near where I live that is rehabilitation accommodation refused me partly because of the self harm thoughts, and partly because I was “complex”.

I feel lost.

I may be experiencing short term side effects of my latest medication.

I’m not sure it matters if the feelings are the medication, they feel real to me.

Back to the original question, why do I go on?

I still don’t know, and that scares me.

…And Nay!

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Trigger warning: If you’ve worried about accommodation, hospital/home changes or suicidal thoughts this might be difficult to read. Writing it left me crying.

Of course I’m going to get anxious about leaving, even if I want to. This leaves me confused as to what I really want, leaving, or staying. I kinda want both, so if either one goes wrong I can escape to the other.

Knowing that my room on ward was still mine to occupy if being in my flat became too much would be a amazing safety net to let me risk trying to function in my flat.

With my flat I’m terrified of things ending up how they were before I went onto the ward. The consequences are potentially even worse this time around as I’ll be “asked” (or, from my point of view, pressured) into going into supported accommodation, and forgoing my flat permanently.

The intensity of these feelings make me feel like I’d prefer to overdose, and be in A&E, rather than deal with transferring to supported accommodation at a later date. Its scary (for me), and I need to persuade my care team quite how strongly I feel.

Got to stop writing as I’m starting to cry.