coping

What’s next?

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Last week of 2022 now.

Progress check

Positives

  • Want to be alive (except in a few instances, but haven’t done anything to progress dangerous thoughts)
  • Interacted with more people
    • DnD group
    • New care worker who works with my CPN
    • Social group for individuals who have self-harmed (at any point in their lives)
  • Completed an assessment for a unit to treat my OCD and been accepted, pending 1.5 years on a waiting list
  • Taking medication (the odd dose forgotten though)
  • Run a DnD group as the dungeon master online and play in person at a local group.

Still not happy with

  • Still get really anxious
  • OCD and associated distress and limitations to what I feel able to do.
  • Self-harm thoughts still play through my mind (most of the time they’re gone)
  • Negative scenarios playing out in my mind for interacting with psychiatric crisis ward staff – despite not having been near a ward all year.

Analysis

I feel there should be more on the positives listing. I know my CPN is happy with my progress.

I’m disappointed with the continued existence of the self-harm thoughts, and I would have hoped that the fear of a disastrous interaction with staff would have gone.

Looking forward. What do I want?

  • More friends
  • Seeing my sister
  • Able to enter a situation without my focus being avoiding contamination

What happens if I don’t qualify for an inpatient OCD treatment?

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Trigger Warning: This post contains feelings and thoughts about self-harm.

I really don’t want this to happen.

The last time it felt like support was unavailable when I was discharged from local CMHT (community mental health team) and it turned out that the referral for primary care had gotten lost, a couple of years ago. life seemed hopeless and I seriously self-harmed.

My parents have mentioned moving on with life and getting a job if the admission falls through. When asking my CPN what would happen if I didn’t qualify for the mental health inpatient admission it is that I’d have to do “something”, which could include getting a job (mentioned) or something else (left vague) and find a way to deal with my OCD in the community.

I don’t want that to be the case, as if its possible to manage my anxiety with a community intervention (and not an admission) it means that I am currently useless for not having managed it yet.

I’m scared of being in an environment with big deadlines when I can’t cope with them. I never want to feel that the only “exit strategy” is self-harm again. At the moment the promise of treatment feels like it makes self-harm unnecessary to coping as there’s always the promise of treatment and I have ongoing support.

There are bad memories of flunking out of university in the second year. This came from feeling unable to engage in academic work and deadlines, with an crippling anxiety about doing the “wrong thing”. Frustratingly I finished my first year with a score of approximately 80% – I can’t explain what then went so badly wrong that the second year ended with me not even passing.

Minor deadlines can leave me feeling too anxious to do the stuff necessary to complete them. I make slow progress – doing stuff intensively feels like way too much.

I don’t want to self-harm, but can’t help feeling worried that it could trigger in the future.

Discussing self-harm as a risk if I don’t get access to treatment feels too close to threatening to self-harm so I don’t want to bring it up with the CMHT. I’ve never been accused of threatening self-harm, however I am paranoid about being perceived to threaten self-harm. Second guessing people’s perception of how I’m behaving feels like an inhibitor to open discussion when my anxiety spikes.

All this risk could be resolved if I have a coping strategy that doesn’t revolve around the safety blanket of ongoing support. I don’t know how to build a better method yet; I’ll figure it out.

I’m feeling agitated this evening, so I’ve taken a sedative (lorezepam, 1mg, prescribed to me as PRN). I’ll shoud feel better tomorrow, as sleep usually helps.

Coping, just about

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In the last few days I’ve set some personal records for time spent running (not for time spent walking though) – feeling anxious is a strong motivator to run/walk a lot more than usual.

For me running is a way to forget how I feel. The sense of euphoria after running makes it feel worth it, as how awful I felt beforehand is just gone.

I don’t always get the sense of euphoria though. Often running/walking is just a way to burn time without negative consequences – although while writing this post I’ve come to the conclusion that I need new running trainers – 360 miles of use (mostly walking, as I don’t keep multiple pairs of shoes…) and my legs aching today and yesterday seems to indicate they’re at their limit.

Today running wasn’t enough to escape how I felt. At the end of the day (19:00) I was agitated. I did identify that I was at the limit (distractions were not working) of what safe (not self-harm) coping strategies were working. I used a (prescribed medication, PRN), sedative that calmed me down enough to use distractions to cope. Using medication is something to try when multiple coping strategies have failed, not as a first option.

For me not coping is any of:

  • Wanting to self-harm
  • Melting down in tears
  • Persistent agitation/not settling down on any task

Melting down in tears I usually let happen as I tend to feel better afterwards.

When struggling to cope distraction is the first strategy. Speaking to someone (about something irrelevant) is (for me) the next best option. Using medication works in the rare instances it’s used, but as it doesn’t tend to address whatever is stressing me out it isn’t a silver bullet – it works best when I calm down enough to resolve what is actually bothering me.

For me “only just coping” means I’ve had to use medication to cope, which is what happened today.

Going to sleep now, so looking forward to a better tomorrow 🙂

I’m not OK

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Trigger Warning: This post contains feelings and thoughts about self-harm.

I don’t feel able to say that.

I have wanted to cut myself, but stopped before I did it.

I’ve had thoughts of overdosing, but haven’t done it.

I feel frustrated at my own uselessness.

I feel not great.

I should probably telephone my care coordinator, but I feel like I’m not meant to do that, and I’m only meant to need my care co when they call me. It doesn’t matter that I have been told repeatedly to call them if I don’t feel great, it still feels wrong.

I did call them (as I was writing this post) – they’re in a meeting at the moment so unavailable.

I still don’t feel great.

Running, again

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Is exhilarating.

Is freeing.

Is a release.

Is the best.

Recently my trainers started to fall apart, so my body ached too much to run in them, got new trainers and it feels like I’m running on air.

I’m back in my flat. Yay!

Getting the trainers was a unique experience, as normally going into a shop and trying on random items would be too contaminating for me to do. Not this time, being unable to run was so important that it was worth taking the risk. That, and I cheated a bit by using a sedative to make me less anxious.

I’m in a good mood 🙂 🙂 🙂

P.S. I’m not technically a runner, its more of a series of sprints rather than one long run.

Planning to move back to my flat, again

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Last time this didn’t happen because I ended up going to a rehab unit instead (which ended up being an unsuitable place for me).

I’m anxious, which is to be expected. There’s a sensation of excitement about the change which (when my anxiety doesn’t dominate) makes everything seem like it will work out.

Excitement: More control over what I do

Anxiety: All the things I need to do to look after myself (eating, washing, …) that will have to do.

Positives: For the next few weeks at least I’ve got the home treatment team following me with extra support.

Negatives: The extra support won’t last forever.

Positive: Everything could work out 🙂

Negative: It might not.

Conclusion: Its not the end of the world if it doesn’t work out, but it’d be awesome if it did.

Despondency

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When it feels like nothing matters, my OCD seems to go away.

If nothing matters then why am I trying to keep things clean?

When nothing matters I seem to alternate feeling high (some kind of euphoria) and low (depressed).

The highs feeling disconnected, or like I’m viewing the world through a different lens.

The lows feeling like doing nothing at all, just shutting down.

I mean, why would I run when there’s nowhere to go?

What’s there to fight for when you’re trapped and being trapped seems like your best option?

Context

I’ve recently changed to a different unit, which (for the first 14 days) has no leave. Initially I’ve been able to touch most stuff – as I’m trapped, what else is there to lose from touching it?

The unit has a “no visitors other than staff” policy for people in the 14 day isolation – I don’t have Covid-19 and, as far as I know, I haven’t been exposed to it. This seems to mean (at least to the staff here) that my care coordinator isn’t allowed to see me, which is something my care co. is trying to fix.

The fear of losing control

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The fear that once surrendered, control might never be recovered.

The fear that the controller will abuse the control to put me in situations I’d never normally agree to.

The fear that the controller will be viewed as the way to get me to do something, and people stop assuming I have autonomy, and getting my PoV when making decisions.

The terror of the moment I say “no” – and the controller acts aggrieved as if its a personal insult for me to refuse to follow the directive.

The terror of being trapped in a situation where the best option is continuing to surrender control, as all the other options leave me without support.

Context

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what makes me scared of giving trust to and just following advice from staff caring for me. It’s hard, as I’m either fighting myself, or fighting them (in my mind, not literally).

What’s the limit?

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Is it when I feel like I have nothing to do because the anxiety that I might be doing the wrong distraction prevents me from engaging in the distraction (Netflix in this case) to make myself feel better?

Is it when distractions feel pointless?

Is it when I feel uncomfortable and unsettled because my anxiety won’t settle down?

Is it trying medication that makes you more anxious temporarily?

Is it moving to a new location with restrictions on leave that will eventually be removed, but until then, despite not moving yet I’m still anxious?

Is it not being able to watch any of the TV shows my younger sister like because the number of sex references disrupt me trying to focus on the story (anxiety about anything sexual is a problem), even with 10s skips to get around the jokes I don’t like?

Or is it when I drop a book I initially liked (at least up to that point) because I didn’t want to trigger any intrusive sexual thoughts?

Is it when I start obsessing over meaningless small details, just so I have something to focus on?

Is it when I decide my anxiety is making my existence so unpleasant its worth using a sedative to calm down?

The short answer, nope, none of those reach the limit of what I have to tolerate just to exist. My anxiety can always get worse, and it feels like I have no choice but to endure it.

I always have to endure it though, and that doesn’t feel fair. Why me? Why can’t I escape the anxiety permanently?

There isn’t a good answer, it just is that way.

I just have to live for the moments inbetween when I feel alive and happy.

The moments when I speak with my little (aged 16) sister.

The moments when I chat with a friend.

The moments when someone else does something that makes my existence easier as I don’t need to worry about that thing now.

The moments when I’m running uphill and the physical exertion makes me feel alive.

The moments of intense focus when I’m lost in a fantasy world (books, video games, TV shows).

The moments I notice that my OCD is slightly less absorbing.

Every little victory matters, there’s no big moments, just lots of small ones that make me feel a little bit better, and they make it worth enduring the anxiety.

I feel guilty about feeling…

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…anxious about the fact that I dislike the recovery unit’s status as prohibiting leave.

It’s OK to feel, its not bad or wrong, even when it feels bad and wrong for no reason.

I’m not in the unit yet.

I have a care coordinator who will ensure I get leave.

However…

I can still be unhappy with the policy of the recovery unit.

I can try to enjoy doing something not related to my recovery.

I can use sleep and walking as an escape.

Especially so when it feels like I can’t.

Even when just being me feels like it is something inexpressibly wrong.

P.S. I feel a bit better after writing this.