I had a stressful meeting with my CPN (community psychriatric nurse) this morning.

My CPN had to fill out a form for a OCD treatment referral to a unit, and the unit had requested more details.

As a result my CPN asked about whether I had any intrusive thoughts about harming other people.

The answer was yes. And I then spent about 15 minutes trying to express what they were, which was unpleasant as I really don’t like thinking about them.

After that my CPN also asked whether I had any intent to act upon them. The answer being no.

It just felt like I wasn’t trusted enough for my non-intention to be taken implicitly. Why did they have to ask? It made me feel awful.

How do I feel safe telling them thoughts in the future. If they’re intrusive with no intent I’ll still get challenged with questions about whether I plan to act on them. I don’t want to be treated as a possible threat – why can’t that be something agreed upon without extra questions.

Some of this might be irrational, but at the moment it feels too real to dismiss.

P.S. The title is a reference to how I wish my mind would just be blank so I didn’t have to feel any of the frustrated emotions.