feeling

Giving way

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

Next step after being on a ward? Going to a recovery unit. Do I want to go? TBD.

Against

No leave for 2 weeks. That’s pretty much all my negatives.

It’s better than it was a couple of months ago, no leave at all; fortunately their policy has changed since then.

Would I have been under pressure (encouraged, advised, etc.) to go even if there wasn’t any leave? Maybe. Should I refuse to go based on that? Nope, that is hypothetical and deciding not to go based on an imaginary scenario is probably not a good idea.

For

Lots of positives.

  • Better environment than the psychiatric ward, more space (multiple rooms; kitchen, living area and garden to access)
  • I can have a power cord to plug my laptop in while using it (and a desk to use it on)
  • Own bathroom, no more sharing.
  • Psychologist who wants to help with my OCD
  • Staff (care coordinator and ward staff) view it as a good step forward.

Conclusion?

I feel like I should go. That it’s probably the right option. I’m just not convinced that I want to go.

Although as that that was how I felt about going onto a ward back in January and going onto the ward (eventually) helped, maybe this place will too.

I feel guilty about feeling…

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

…anxious about the fact that I dislike the recovery unit’s status as prohibiting leave.

It’s OK to feel, its not bad or wrong, even when it feels bad and wrong for no reason.

I’m not in the unit yet.

I have a care coordinator who will ensure I get leave.

However…

I can still be unhappy with the policy of the recovery unit.

I can try to enjoy doing something not related to my recovery.

I can use sleep and walking as an escape.

Especially so when it feels like I can’t.

Even when just being me feels like it is something inexpressibly wrong.

P.S. I feel a bit better after writing this.

I’m still anxious

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

I’m still worried about going to another unit, which has no real leave. My current position: nope, not going unless their leave policy improves

Eating on the ward is a bit hit and miss, both shifts forgot to place mine up separately. I think my complaint to staff got misinterpreted as “the staff paid no attention to me”

I’m changing medication again, moving one dose up, and removing a medication (the new setup is 15mg aripiprazole and 250mg clomipramine). I wanted the changes but I am not liking the temporary increase in anxiety.

I did cry, and eventually relaxed somewhat after having 2mg lorazepam and talking to one of the therapists on the ward.

I do trust you [care coordinator]…

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

…but my past experiences haunt me.

I always plan an escape route upon entering an area. I’m not going to be trapped with or by people.

I can’t agree to going onto a ward. I did before and on one occasion it was extremely unpleasant.

I can’t focus on the positives. The negatives feel overwhelming. Times when I have I’ve felt so awful that it wasn’t worth it to try again.

P.S. I’m not feeling that positive at the moment.

I can feel something else?

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

My emotions are less intense now. My anxiety is still a factor though.

Tried running when I was on a “walk” the last few days, seems to generate the most intense feelings at the moment.

I’m not even sure what I’m feeling most of the time, just that something, anything, intense is felt when running.

Now my emotions are turned down it seems that I want another thing that’s intense, fortunately running (short bursts repeatedly) is a safe, and practical, thing to do.

If I had to make a comparison I’d say its like I’m 15 again (22 now) and running just for fun.

Other people seem to view it as “OK” and react a bit surprised (I think). Its a bit scary as I’m feeling stuff that hasn’t been felt for a long time, and I don’t know what will happen next.

I’d say this is progress, but I don’t want to jinx it.