flat

Planning to move back to my flat, again

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Last time this didn’t happen because I ended up going to a rehab unit instead (which ended up being an unsuitable place for me).

I’m anxious, which is to be expected. There’s a sensation of excitement about the change which (when my anxiety doesn’t dominate) makes everything seem like it will work out.

Excitement: More control over what I do

Anxiety: All the things I need to do to look after myself (eating, washing, …) that will have to do.

Positives: For the next few weeks at least I’ve got the home treatment team following me with extra support.

Negatives: The extra support won’t last forever.

Positive: Everything could work out 🙂

Negative: It might not.

Conclusion: Its not the end of the world if it doesn’t work out, but it’d be awesome if it did.

Leaving the rehab unit

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I didn’t feel in control on the unit; was told by the staff to trust the staff and take the medication suggested, basically “take it”, and they then prescribed new medication after I said I didn’t want it. I’m already on medication, and haven’t even been on them long enough to know if my current meds are effective!

There is no way I was going to make myself endure another 7 days of isolation (no leave), so I left the premises, only to return 1.5 hours later and be told they had to search me and the isolation now had 14 days left (reset to the full time because I was off the premises).

I then left again, and slept in my flat overnight, before getting admitted to a psych ward because of my self-harm risk.

Leaving the unit gave me a sense of control that I had been missing from when I first arrived, however after returning to my flat I still felt that I didn’t have much control because of the lockdown making going out more stressful.

I don’t know how to restore the sense of control that I once had, but it feels like that is the only way to make me safe again.

…And Nay!

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Trigger warning: If you’ve worried about accommodation, hospital/home changes or suicidal thoughts this might be difficult to read. Writing it left me crying.

Of course I’m going to get anxious about leaving, even if I want to. This leaves me confused as to what I really want, leaving, or staying. I kinda want both, so if either one goes wrong I can escape to the other.

Knowing that my room on ward was still mine to occupy if being in my flat became too much would be a amazing safety net to let me risk trying to function in my flat.

With my flat I’m terrified of things ending up how they were before I went onto the ward. The consequences are potentially even worse this time around as I’ll be “asked” (or, from my point of view, pressured) into going into supported accommodation, and forgoing my flat permanently.

The intensity of these feelings make me feel like I’d prefer to overdose, and be in A&E, rather than deal with transferring to supported accommodation at a later date. Its scary (for me), and I need to persuade my care team quite how strongly I feel.

Got to stop writing as I’m starting to cry.

Yay!

recoverymaybe1 Comment

I’m going to be trying living in my flat again (with support). It is basically what I want (minus having OCD).

I really hope it works out, and I don’t have to return to the ward.

At the moment it feels like anything (good) is possible.

Admittedly going shopping is going to be a struggle, as is sticking to a budget when buying cleaning products. Hopefully the at home support the ward/CMHT offers helps me get through those problems.

I really don’t want something to come up that stops me going to my flat. I’m will need to keep up with a lot to make this work, the Covid-19 crisis doesn’t help, but at the moment I’m on cloud 9.