Tonight as I write this I’ve cried, feeling isolated, and misunderstood.

In the last couple of days I have felt intensely suicidal (fortunately it has passed). Both times I’ve had to find a way to cope, as it feels impossible to burden someone I know, and care about, that I feel so bad.

Yesterday I called “Papyrus Hopeline”. Just talking about why I was feeling awful was enough to get the overwhelming thoughts of self-harming (which includes suicidal self-harm).

Today it was putting myself through the unpleasant task of cleaning my bathroom, which is unpleasant enough and distracting in its own right to cause my thoughts to quiet. That was almost enough, messaged a friend in the evening just so someone knew I wasn’t feeling great.

Just to be clear, I haven’t hurt myself. I’ve wanted to, pulled a cord tight around my neck just to see how it felt, and looked in a drawer for blades (turns out I disposed of them, so I couldn’t use them).

For now my coping mechanisms work, I’m safe. However I am terrified that they’ll fail, and I’ll end up in A&E, a police car as a result, or worse. Yep, if you didn’t know, when you don’t need immediate medical attention, but are at risk of serious harm the generally the police will attend, not medical professionals.

The frustration at my OCD isn’t new, but at times it feels unbearable, despite being the same as it always is.

That’s pretty much it. There are people, but burdening them with how I feel feels impossible, even when it isn’t.