journal

Let there be light

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

I sucked in air with all my might

Like I was trying to light a fire in all my cells

Make your blood and sweat your sacrifice, desire your holy flame

And shout at full volume:

“Let there be light”

Intro song to Haikyu!! Season 3 (anime series about a volleyball team)

I’m still here. Still carrying on. Still dealing with OCD and anxiety. Still have days when I wonder if the effort is worth it.

I think it is. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

After taking a break from running (I overdid it and hurt my knees), I’m trying again, but this time using the NHS “Couch to 5k” app to pace myself better, I’m on week 3, so far so good…

My care coordinator is changing jobs so I’ll have a new care coordinator (I’ve already been told who it will be, its a CPN I like). I’ll miss my old care coordinator.

I think that’s everything.

What’s the limit?

recoverymaybe1 Comment

Is it when I feel like I have nothing to do because the anxiety that I might be doing the wrong distraction prevents me from engaging in the distraction (Netflix in this case) to make myself feel better?

Is it when distractions feel pointless?

Is it when I feel uncomfortable and unsettled because my anxiety won’t settle down?

Is it trying medication that makes you more anxious temporarily?

Is it moving to a new location with restrictions on leave that will eventually be removed, but until then, despite not moving yet I’m still anxious?

Is it not being able to watch any of the TV shows my younger sister like because the number of sex references disrupt me trying to focus on the story (anxiety about anything sexual is a problem), even with 10s skips to get around the jokes I don’t like?

Or is it when I drop a book I initially liked (at least up to that point) because I didn’t want to trigger any intrusive sexual thoughts?

Is it when I start obsessing over meaningless small details, just so I have something to focus on?

Is it when I decide my anxiety is making my existence so unpleasant its worth using a sedative to calm down?

The short answer, nope, none of those reach the limit of what I have to tolerate just to exist. My anxiety can always get worse, and it feels like I have no choice but to endure it.

I always have to endure it though, and that doesn’t feel fair. Why me? Why can’t I escape the anxiety permanently?

There isn’t a good answer, it just is that way.

I just have to live for the moments inbetween when I feel alive and happy.

The moments when I speak with my little (aged 16) sister.

The moments when I chat with a friend.

The moments when someone else does something that makes my existence easier as I don’t need to worry about that thing now.

The moments when I’m running uphill and the physical exertion makes me feel alive.

The moments of intense focus when I’m lost in a fantasy world (books, video games, TV shows).

The moments I notice that my OCD is slightly less absorbing.

Every little victory matters, there’s no big moments, just lots of small ones that make me feel a little bit better, and they make it worth enduring the anxiety.

I’m still anxious

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

I’m still worried about going to another unit, which has no real leave. My current position: nope, not going unless their leave policy improves

Eating on the ward is a bit hit and miss, both shifts forgot to place mine up separately. I think my complaint to staff got misinterpreted as “the staff paid no attention to me”

I’m changing medication again, moving one dose up, and removing a medication (the new setup is 15mg aripiprazole and 250mg clomipramine). I wanted the changes but I am not liking the temporary increase in anxiety.

I did cry, and eventually relaxed somewhat after having 2mg lorazepam and talking to one of the therapists on the ward.

Changing room on a ward

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

Today I was told that I had to move to another room on the ward. Big deal? Turns out it was, as I really didn’t want to endure the anxiety associated with being a new room. Initially I thought “I can do this”.

I then become focussed on the anxiety about moving altogether, but over time (3 hours…) I figured that the staff could help with with the issues with the furnishings in the new room. The staff suggested swapping the chest of draws and dust bin with the ones from my old room.

A couple of hours later things were setup in a way I liked, after going for walk to calm down, and spending time adjusting things.

So magically all good? Not yet, my anxiety about being in a different room is still there, it should fade with time though 🙂

Rationalisations used

Remembering that I’ve experienced being in a “new” and “clean” room before, this is just the same, except for the fact I already have a room that’s setup – previously I went in “blind” as a I had no idea what to expect from the room, this time I could see the new room, compare it to where I was, etc.

I was probably moved because they needed a new patient to be close the the office, and putting them in a room at the far end of the ward wouldn’t do that.

That, and they must have really wanted the room, as me freezing not doing much for hours didn’t get them to change their position.

The new room is in a quieter location; I don’t need to put up with noise from a radio now 🙂

Meltdown postmortem

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

Triggers (last day or so)

On the ward:

  • Wrong food supplied by the catering staff yesterday (and I didn’t eat half of it as a result)
  • Wanted to go out first thing in the morning, but had to wait 40 minutes for morning medication.
  • Being told I had to knock on a door to get staff attention (the contamination anxiety induced by that causes me to avoid knocking)
  • Distractions (phone, book, video games) all felt really unpleasant for no good reason.
  • Got forgotten at lunch time (usually I’m served first to avoid “contamination”).
  • I then refused to eat anything, which didn’t help either as I was actually hungry.
  • I was also worried about eating too much which led me to refuse breakfast, in retrospect that was a mistake as it would have meant I’d eaten something today, rather than nothing (so far, 15:20).

Coping strategies used

  • Yesterday: The usual distractions – which didn’t seem to do much
  • This morning: Going out for a walk/run – which helped
  • Had a shower (after running) – only took 30 minutes, which is a pretty good time for me, helped me feel OK.
  • Distractions (phone, laptop, etc.) – they were ineffective
  • Sedative (about 12:30) – limited effect
  • Crying (about 12:15 until about 13:15) – pretty effective, I felt better when I’d finally stopped crying.

The “meltdown” is the unrestrained crying. I felt unable to speak to anyone while it was ongoing; even though there was a nurse trying to speak to me.