In normal times, if I was restless I’d go for a long walk, go to the library or take a bus to see my parents.

These aren’t normal times, and I can’t do any of those things. I miss my old coping strategies. I still have one hour a day out, holding onto what I have is really important for me to cope.

For me restlessness is feeling unsettled and unable to focus for long enough to get anything done. When I relax enough and forget the world around me I can focus, but any disruption breaks me away from what I’m doing.

It’s not pleasant, and at least partly due to a new medication, which has agitation, anxiety and restless are common side effects for the first few weeks.

My OCD has become so overwhelming, that enduring those side effects feels worth it. Its a turn about from feeling tha medication would never work. I now feel like medication can help, the clomipramine seemed to break me out of feeling hopeless.

With any luck this new medication will break me out of being trapped by obsessive thoughts. The odds aren’t great, and getting medication that works feels comparable to finding gold at the end of a rainbow. I keep going by focussing on how awesome it would be to escape my mind.

I’ve been hopeless for so long that it feels strange to have a hope of beating my once OCD again.

P.S. Still on a ward, not transitioning to rehab accommodation my “risk is too high” and I’m “too unwell” to go there; I’m relieved though, as I won’t have to fight for my leave, as the rehab accommodation wanted to restrict it to groceries, once a week, probably enforced by threatening discharge if I didn’t comply.