trapped

Despondency

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

When it feels like nothing matters, my OCD seems to go away.

If nothing matters then why am I trying to keep things clean?

When nothing matters I seem to alternate feeling high (some kind of euphoria) and low (depressed).

The highs feeling disconnected, or like I’m viewing the world through a different lens.

The lows feeling like doing nothing at all, just shutting down.

I mean, why would I run when there’s nowhere to go?

What’s there to fight for when you’re trapped and being trapped seems like your best option?

Context

I’ve recently changed to a different unit, which (for the first 14 days) has no leave. Initially I’ve been able to touch most stuff – as I’m trapped, what else is there to lose from touching it?

The unit has a “no visitors other than staff” policy for people in the 14 day isolation – I don’t have Covid-19 and, as far as I know, I haven’t been exposed to it. This seems to mean (at least to the staff here) that my care coordinator isn’t allowed to see me, which is something my care co. is trying to fix.

I do trust you [care coordinator]…

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

…but my past experiences haunt me.

I always plan an escape route upon entering an area. I’m not going to be trapped with or by people.

I can’t agree to going onto a ward. I did before and on one occasion it was extremely unpleasant.

I can’t focus on the positives. The negatives feel overwhelming. Times when I have I’ve felt so awful that it wasn’t worth it to try again.

P.S. I’m not feeling that positive at the moment.

I won’t give up leave, not ever!

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

I’m won’t give up my leave just to go to a recovery unit.

I won’t agree to being (effectively) trapped in a recovery unit (unit policy, no leave for residents to avoid Covid-19 risk).

It might be worth my while to self-harm just so they [the unit] won’t take me and I then can’t be pressured into going.

About 3-4 days is the most I’ve ever been constrained to a zone, and that was a potential Covid-19 quarantine; it wasn’t, so I didn’t have to find out what 14 days would be like!

I’ll have to endure 14 days of isolation just to start residing at the unit, and still have no leave!

On the plus side, I’m a voluntary patient so I can’t be forced to go, doesn’t stop the possibility causing me a lot of distress though.

Context

I’m on a psychiatric ward, and the current Covid-19 situation has complicated my discharge as limited community support is available.

The next step was to go to a recovery unit to get used to doing chores again. However Covid-19 has caused the unit to deny leave for patients.

The staff looking after me now appreciate that I won’t go without leave being agreed, as such they’re trying to get the unit to agree to leave.

Technically its not “no leave”, you get to go to a groceries store once a week.

There is a 14 day isolation period upon unit admission to ensure I’m not infected with Covid-19

The ward is permits exercise twice a day for an hour each, with the freedom to go wherever you can get to and back in that time. The lockdown isn’t great, but some leave is infinitely better than none.