Jumpy

Someone’s shopping trolley starts moving (just the sound), jump.

A siren, jump.

The washing machine starts/stops (noise), jump.

A door closes, jump.

A bleep, jump.

You get the idea. That was me, today. For whatever reason I am way more anxious than I usually am. Maybe it was the headaches a few days ago, or possibly the sedative effect of my medication is wearing off.

Living like that isn’t fun, so I try to make everything that happens as predictable as possible so I don’t jump. That isn’t possible out and about, but in my flat, most of the time, it is 100% possible.

This provides a significant motivation to stay in, however, if I do my mind will be free to run wild and make me feel even worse, so despite the penalty I will always go out. If there’s a day I don’t go out, then it’s a bad day, and usually only because I’ve got sleep to catch up on.

Coping with this sensation isn’t pleasant, I just have to go about my day, and avoid visibly overreacting. It almost seems worse than yesterday when I burn myself. Unfortunately my mind has a lot of ways to torture me.

On the plus side, I haven’t attempted to kill myself or self-harmed today.

Bye for now.

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