Am I abandoned by you?

Yes? No? Are you sure?

Didn’t I feel like this last week? It wasn’t true then…

Sometimes the smallest items can trigger feeling abandoned by an individual. A late reply to a message. They forget to message you.

Sure, some of the time it’s real, but most of the time it isn’t a slight to me personally. So far I’ve always found there’s a good reason. Eventually messaging resumes, with no issues remaining.

The impulse is to disconnect from the individual so this never happens again. I abandon them first, so they can’t leave me. From experience this isn’t ever the right technique, and when the reason clears up, they message me, without prompting.

Coping with these events is normal. Other people have stuff going on. However sometimes it can escalate, when both sides feel abandoned due to experiencing mental health issues.

A not so great way to test whether you’ve been forgotten is to not message the person on the grounds that they will message you. This isn’t a good idea, don’t do this at home, I’ve been advised by a mental health professional that it is destructive to relationships. It usually works just fine, the other person messages me; all my friends have “passed” the test way more than once.

This testing falls to pieces when both sides try the same tactic. There aren’t any messages. This tends to happen when both sides are experiencing low mood.

There’s only one solution, not running this “test”. Easier said that done, as the moment my mood crashes I lose the motivation to resist running the test. It’s really hard. When my mood is stable, I rarely consider it, but when my mood is low, it is done all the time.

Not sure that I can ask someone else to avoid doing it though, as I know that even knowing it’s a bad idea I still do it anyway. So how can I ask someone else to do better than me?

There isn’t a neat solution. Just trying not to jump to the worst conclusion, and then do the same again, again, and again.

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