OCD

Intrusive sexual thoughts when feeling low

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Content Warning: sexual references (pretty vague references)

To me this feels unfair, why do I get thoughts and compulsions that I dislike when I’m low?

My perspective, I feel awful so my mind latches onto anything that might drag it away from the sensation of feeling bad.

The thoughts, despite being “normal” appear bad to me. The fact they increase when I’m feeling down only seems to reinforce this. When I’m ok my mind sometimes thinks them, but moves on, it doesn’t when I’m feeling low.

The thoughts are “pleasant”, but that doesn’t make them ok (to me).

For me feeling low and then having thoughts that make me feel useless at controlling my mind and coping over the fact I already feel useless, even if they are distracting at the time.

People can say stuff is “normal” and “ok”, but that doesn’t make it ok for me, or stop anything sexual being the worst possible contamination.

Talking about it feels “wrong” so I have to stick to being vague (mostly) just so I don’t stress myself out when I’m expressing how I feel. This is the case when explaining in person or even in a private journal entry nobody else will read.

P.S. Still on a ward. Trying a new medication, aripiprazole, that doesn’t leave me feeling great, yet (promises of feeling bad going away in a week – roughly)

Why do I go on?

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I don’t know.

I used to though? The plan was to go to a unit in London for treatment.

Now I’m scared the unit will refuse to treat me because distress still causes thoughts of self harm.

A unit near where I live that is rehabilitation accommodation refused me partly because of the self harm thoughts, and partly because I was “complex”.

I feel lost.

I may be experiencing short term side effects of my latest medication.

I’m not sure it matters if the feelings are the medication, they feel real to me.

Back to the original question, why do I go on?

I still don’t know, and that scares me.

Yay!

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I’m going to be trying living in my flat again (with support). It is basically what I want (minus having OCD).

I really hope it works out, and I don’t have to return to the ward.

At the moment it feels like anything (good) is possible.

Admittedly going shopping is going to be a struggle, as is sticking to a budget when buying cleaning products. Hopefully the at home support the ward/CMHT offers helps me get through those problems.

I really don’t want something to come up that stops me going to my flat. I’m will need to keep up with a lot to make this work, the Covid-19 crisis doesn’t help, but at the moment I’m on cloud 9.

I’m restless, but have nowhere to go

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In normal times, if I was restless I’d go for a long walk, go to the library or take a bus to see my parents.

These aren’t normal times, and I can’t do any of those things. I miss my old coping strategies. I still have one hour a day out, holding onto what I have is really important for me to cope.

For me restlessness is feeling unsettled and unable to focus for long enough to get anything done. When I relax enough and forget the world around me I can focus, but any disruption breaks me away from what I’m doing.

It’s not pleasant, and at least partly due to a new medication, which has agitation, anxiety and restless are common side effects for the first few weeks.

My OCD has become so overwhelming, that enduring those side effects feels worth it. Its a turn about from feeling tha medication would never work. I now feel like medication can help, the clomipramine seemed to break me out of feeling hopeless.

With any luck this new medication will break me out of being trapped by obsessive thoughts. The odds aren’t great, and getting medication that works feels comparable to finding gold at the end of a rainbow. I keep going by focussing on how awesome it would be to escape my mind.

I’ve been hopeless for so long that it feels strange to have a hope of beating my once OCD again.

P.S. Still on a ward, not transitioning to rehab accommodation my “risk is too high” and I’m “too unwell” to go there; I’m relieved though, as I won’t have to fight for my leave, as the rehab accommodation wanted to restrict it to groceries, once a week, probably enforced by threatening discharge if I didn’t comply.

I don’t want to leave…

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…the psychiatric ward. And I didn’t even want to go onto the ward in the first place. What happened?

The plan was to transition to rehab accommodation, but I’ve been told it would mean only being allowed off the premises once a week (Covid-19 precautions), and even then to only visit a supermarket, not to have a a walk. Being able to get out of my living “zone” helps me cope when the anxiety in one place becomes too much, just change place (zone) until I feel a bit better. Relying on sedatives isn’t something I want.

I don’t want to go back to my existence before I came onto the ward, being dysfunctional is no fun whatsoever.

I don’t want to stay with my parents, I moved out because they had trouble dealing with my OCD, and its worse than it was back then, so it will become an unpleasant issue that isn’t addressed or quite ignored.

I don’t ever want to try swapping medications in a community setting again – back in May it felt like I’d been forgotten and left to deal with any side-effects unsupported; there’s no way I’d cope with my current switch alone or without adequate support (my anxiety is up, a lot, made worse by the fact that is was lower than usual before starting the medication.

My coping strategies at the moment revolve around the ward and the staff, if I move I’ll create new coping strategies, but going to someone I don’t want to go as a “voluntary” patient isn’t something I can consent to.

I can’t stay on a ward indefinitely, I need an exit plan that works for me, but I don’t what that is now. The rehab accommodation was that exit plan, but Covid-19 has made that unpalatable. It’s possible something will change (I hope), but my mental view of the future is some kind of darkness, with nothing good visible, just spectres out to get me.

A good day, for me… (2)

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Did a post with the same title months ago, but what a good day is has changed, again, I’m on a pysch ward now!

  • I wake up and get up at 07:00-08:30
  • My room is reasonably tidy.
  • Have breakfast (first time in months today)
  • Go on my laptop as a distraction (lockdown, so I can’t go out that much)
    • Wipe the outside of the laptop (its been on the side in the staff office) with disinfectant wipes and my table (splash on with water)
  • Have lunch, but served before any other patients to avoid “contamination”
  • Go out for one walk of at most an hour
    • This is enforced by the staff not letting me off the ward more than once in a day, and keeping track of how long I’m out for and (they’ve stopped now) bringing up the spectre of discharge to persuade patients/me to comply.
  • Read/play/something on my phone/laptop until dinner time (17:00)
  • Speak to family or friends over the telephone/snapchat/skype/texts/etc.

The previous “Good day” post is here.

This post isn’t focussed on “basic” items like the previous post was, that is partly because the ward ensures that “basic” stuff, like eating/getting food, clean sheets, etc is done – so I don’t need to worry about it.

What is real right now?

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Trigger Warning: this post discusses thoughts of suicide and self harm

Definitely real (at 23:49)

  • I’m anxious
  • I’m awake

Possibly imagined (as of 23:53)

  • I’m too anxious to sleep
  • I felt suicidal
  • That the red card (meltdown/crisis indicator) I put on my ward room door earlier was justified

What I think, on my anxiety level

I’m feeling lost in my mind. I feel that my anxieties about the impact the Covid-19 are real, but I don’t know if they’re any worse than everyone else’s.

For (high anxiety)

  • I inflicted pain on myself
  • Cut skin on my arms with my teeth (not that effective though).
  • Had suicide present as a real option to resolve a problem.
  • Being unable to go for a long walk removed an significant coping strategy

Against (normal anxiety)

  • When talking to my care coordinator earlier we got disconnected, and she didn’t ring back, presumably because she felt I was repeating the same anxieties as on the last call to them 2 days ago.
  • Ward staff waited 3 hours to respond to my crisis indicator (suggesting that they thought my feelings would be transient)

What I think, of crisis response

That it appears the ward staff have decided the best course of action in the event I am anxious is to ignore it, hoping that it dissipates. If it doesn’t, then offer me PRN and suggestions of coping strategies I’ve already exhausted, before finishing with that I need to talk to them so they can help, despite the indicator showing that means that I feel unable to talk.

For (me)

  • Leave any anxious person alone long enough (say 4 hours) and the anxiety will fade, even if it’s unpleasant for the anxious person.
  • They did ignore my red indicator, and remarked that I should have gone to the office (I did, but froze and turned back – too anxious to wait).
  • I was so anxious that relaxing made me cry (crying was suppressed as I was frozen up)

Against (me)

  • I did eventually fall asleep, however briefly 4 hours later, so maybe and crisis wasn’t a “real crisis” (remark by nurse on duty)
  • I seem to have upset every staff member I’ve come in contact with today

What I think, of me being alive

If I’m dead I can’t spread the Covid-19 disease, so why not end it all? I’ve got an untested plan for killing myself on the ward, but haven’t used it as if I get caught before completion I probably won’t get another chance.

For (do it)

  • If I’m dead, I really can’t infect anyone else (at least not in a way that’s my fault)
  • The staff used PPE (gloves, surgical mask and flimsy plastic apron) when dispensing medication this evening, suggesting that I am a real contamination threat.
  • The staff don’t know I felt suicidal earlier, so they can’t mitigate what they don’t know about. I don’t even want to tell them after how dismissive they’ve been of the anxiety.

Against (don’t do it)

  • Everyone else will still be alive and infecting each other.
  • Everyone is a threat, not just me, I’m just lost in trying to comprehend how big (or not) of a threat I am compared to everyone else.

What I think, of remaining on the ward

I can see the perks, food, reasonable clean facilities, and I won’t be left with an escalating mess in my room, but the loss of freedom is a big deal, I really want to go for long walks to deal with anxiety.

Don’t need a for/against. I’ve already done it in my thoughts.

Conclusion

I’m losing confidence in my ability to assess my anxiety level, with the reactions of staff, and the general population’s anxiety level impacting my assessment.

Shopping with OCD, during a pandemic

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This experience is strange, as for the first time how I act appears in line with everyone else:

  • Taking items from the back of the shelf
  • Using gloves to touch the self-service machine
  • Dodging and freezing in place to avoid getting too close to another human being
  • All round jumpiness

For me this feels wrong, somehow my OCD behaviour is so bad it can’t ever be treated as something to accept, but the world has changed to the point that it is acceptable.

Having a real threat to avoid makes it hard to justify not taking something off a shelf if I just saw someone else handle it. I can’t refute the logic that using a clean carrier bag is safer than reusing a shopping basket, or that taking two carrier bags, one to hold your shopping, and the second to put it after scanning; so your shopping never hits the surfaces on the self-checkout is excessive.

The sheer strangeness of a world where dodging contamination so overtly that others around you can’t help but notice is treated as “normal” isn’t something I’ll ever get used to.

Although despite the efforts of “normal” people to avoid contamination, their behaviour has so many holes in the avoidance, that it isn’t as effective as it seems it should be. My favourite examples are using gloves in a supermarket. I’ve seen people use disposable gloves, winter gloves and the cuffs of their sleeves to supposedly avoid contamination. As they try to shop their gloves/cuffs hit so many things, including themselves in the process – contamination avoidance isn’t a natural habit – that I’d probably experience a lot of distress if I reacted like them. My view still isn’t “normal”, but it’s closer than it has ever been 😛

It does seems like the world should be ending, as everyone has been thrown in a form of contamination hell, terrified that something bad could happen if they mess up and get contaminated (Covid-19).

P.S. Still in hospital, its possible this will persist until the lockdown ends. Finally felt safe enough to ask the staff for what I needed to eat food on the ward, so I’m eating on the ward now. The routine is that mine is served first, and I’m allowed to eat it in my room. Its works.

Coronavirus is terrifying, and it’s not just me!

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At the best of times I’m always worried about contamination, now it feels like reality has become a projection of my anxieties.

Watching someone who until the last few days would never used a hand sanitizer makes me feel guilty of their behalf for any excessive hand washing.

The focus on hand washing in the news leaves me feeling like normal behaviour and OCD completion compulsions overlap to the point I can’t tell what is “in my mind” and what isn’t.

I’m primarily worried about transmitting Covid-19, odds are it won’t affect me badly. I’m more worried about going out and causing people who wouldn’t otherwise have been infected to get it.

Outside my ward are posters, emphasised by being surrounded by bright pink paper. Visitors are asked if they have symptoms before coming onto the ward.

What is so strange is that in this new world, everyone is worried about cleanliness, not just me. The reasons aren’t exactly the same though.

The thing I’m going to notice the most is not visiting my parents and siblings. As we reside in different places there’s a risk of me bringing the virus to them (which my mum is worried about), or me bringing it from their house (which the hospital is worried about).

Being in hospital is probably for the best when my anxiety is still so incapacitating. I’d still jump towards being on a more open unit though (got a referral pending).

Getting hold of cleaning products would likely be a major stressor when living in my flat, at least in hospital I’ve got support, and don’t need to procure them.

P. S. Still in hospital, voluntarily, but my anxiety gets in the way of going missing (I tried it yesterday, couldn’t go near a bus or train) so I’m contained by my own mind 😕.

Red, yellow, black or blue?

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Those are the cards I can put in the window of my room in a psychiatric ward. They’re personal to me, I’m the only person who uses cards on the ward.

They do cover all the ways I feel though.

Blue

Blue, like a clear sky when the sun is out. This one means “I’m fine”. Green was another option, but blue epitomises my existence. It is pretty sad at the moment, even when I’m “OK”.

Suffering from anxiety isn’t the slightest bit fun.

Black

I’m not angry. I’m not OK. I’m highly anxious and stressed, but it’s lasted so long it feels like the colour and joy has drained from my world.

I don’t need an intervention, but just talking to me lets some colour seep back into the scene I occupy.

Yellow

The perennial fire of my anxiety is heating up. Someone else can still help me get it down, but dealing with it alone is no longer possible.

Someone needs to stop and just wait for me to explain what’s wrong, then help me work through it.

Red

My anxiety is all consuming. It devours everything, including my ability to move or speak, like an unstoppable wildfire. The best way to deal with it is to prevent it from happening in the first place.

Intervention from staff is necessary.

P. S.

I’m still on a ward, not sectioned, the consultant psychiatrist thought I wouldn’t challenge the status quo by leaving the ward, so he didn’t see any need to continue to section. I haven’t gone missing, but I’ve taken plenty of time off the ward during the day.