overdose

…And Nay!

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Trigger warning: If you’ve worried about accommodation, hospital/home changes or suicidal thoughts this might be difficult to read. Writing it left me crying.

Of course I’m going to get anxious about leaving, even if I want to. This leaves me confused as to what I really want, leaving, or staying. I kinda want both, so if either one goes wrong I can escape to the other.

Knowing that my room on ward was still mine to occupy if being in my flat became too much would be a amazing safety net to let me risk trying to function in my flat.

With my flat I’m terrified of things ending up how they were before I went onto the ward. The consequences are potentially even worse this time around as I’ll be “asked” (or, from my point of view, pressured) into going into supported accommodation, and forgoing my flat permanently.

The intensity of these feelings make me feel like I’d prefer to overdose, and be in A&E, rather than deal with transferring to supported accommodation at a later date. Its scary (for me), and I need to persuade my care team quite how strongly I feel.

Got to stop writing as I’m starting to cry.

No, no, noooo….

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Warning: If you think about or have experience of self-harm or suicidal thoughts this post may be triggering

Yes, actually. I’m in A&E yet again, with yet another deliberate overdose.

This one is unusual for more than one reason.

Firstly, it’s been a significant amount of time since the last one took place.

Secondly, it was to replace an even worse behaviour, hanging myself.

At about 22 shops:00 my mind said (paraphrasing) “You’re gonna feel crap when you wake up tomorrow, might as well self harm now. Hang yourself”.

My response “Ok, I agree, let’s see how practical it is”

After testing a ligature point, I said to my mind “Is an overdose good enough to keep you quiet?”

My mind, “Yeah, that’s sufficiently bad”

At which point I looked up which shops were still open, purchased the medication, and after a few delays, took it.

I did immediately tell someone I’d taken it, and go straight to A&E, so there’s that, but as always it would have been preferably to avoid the self-harm in the first place.