suicidal

What is real right now?

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

Trigger Warning: this post discusses thoughts of suicide and self harm

Definitely real (at 23:49)

  • I’m anxious
  • I’m awake

Possibly imagined (as of 23:53)

  • I’m too anxious to sleep
  • I felt suicidal
  • That the red card (meltdown/crisis indicator) I put on my ward room door earlier was justified

What I think, on my anxiety level

I’m feeling lost in my mind. I feel that my anxieties about the impact the Covid-19 are real, but I don’t know if they’re any worse than everyone else’s.

For (high anxiety)

  • I inflicted pain on myself
  • Cut skin on my arms with my teeth (not that effective though).
  • Had suicide present as a real option to resolve a problem.
  • Being unable to go for a long walk removed an significant coping strategy

Against (normal anxiety)

  • When talking to my care coordinator earlier we got disconnected, and she didn’t ring back, presumably because she felt I was repeating the same anxieties as on the last call to them 2 days ago.
  • Ward staff waited 3 hours to respond to my crisis indicator (suggesting that they thought my feelings would be transient)

What I think, of crisis response

That it appears the ward staff have decided the best course of action in the event I am anxious is to ignore it, hoping that it dissipates. If it doesn’t, then offer me PRN and suggestions of coping strategies I’ve already exhausted, before finishing with that I need to talk to them so they can help, despite the indicator showing that means that I feel unable to talk.

For (me)

  • Leave any anxious person alone long enough (say 4 hours) and the anxiety will fade, even if it’s unpleasant for the anxious person.
  • They did ignore my red indicator, and remarked that I should have gone to the office (I did, but froze and turned back – too anxious to wait).
  • I was so anxious that relaxing made me cry (crying was suppressed as I was frozen up)

Against (me)

  • I did eventually fall asleep, however briefly 4 hours later, so maybe and crisis wasn’t a “real crisis” (remark by nurse on duty)
  • I seem to have upset every staff member I’ve come in contact with today

What I think, of me being alive

If I’m dead I can’t spread the Covid-19 disease, so why not end it all? I’ve got an untested plan for killing myself on the ward, but haven’t used it as if I get caught before completion I probably won’t get another chance.

For (do it)

  • If I’m dead, I really can’t infect anyone else (at least not in a way that’s my fault)
  • The staff used PPE (gloves, surgical mask and flimsy plastic apron) when dispensing medication this evening, suggesting that I am a real contamination threat.
  • The staff don’t know I felt suicidal earlier, so they can’t mitigate what they don’t know about. I don’t even want to tell them after how dismissive they’ve been of the anxiety.

Against (don’t do it)

  • Everyone else will still be alive and infecting each other.
  • Everyone is a threat, not just me, I’m just lost in trying to comprehend how big (or not) of a threat I am compared to everyone else.

What I think, of remaining on the ward

I can see the perks, food, reasonable clean facilities, and I won’t be left with an escalating mess in my room, but the loss of freedom is a big deal, I really want to go for long walks to deal with anxiety.

Don’t need a for/against. I’ve already done it in my thoughts.

Conclusion

I’m losing confidence in my ability to assess my anxiety level, with the reactions of staff, and the general population’s anxiety level impacting my assessment.

The mere possibility

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

Warning: This post might be triggering for those affected by suicidal thoughts.

I’m not suicidal as I’m writing this, but I’ve thought about it a lot.

Conversations with mental health professionals after the event play out again, and again, and again in my head. There is one thing in common, in every one when asked some version of “Why didn’t you call before you did something?”, my response (should I choose to say it) would be “That I didn’t think you’d take me seriously”.

I’ve never experienced this myself, because I’ve never interacted with an NHS crisis service before the event, as I have no confidence in my own ability to tell if I’m about to hurt myself, so taking the risk of having someone else tell me the same thing deters me. Unfortunately I also know people who have spoken to crisis services before acting and been told that they wouldn’t be seeking help if they were really suicidal.

This is the tricky bit. I know when an incident is on the horizon. However when I’m stuck in the middle of one I feel incapable of reaching for help until it has resolved to the point I’m in need of A&E, minor injury, or I no longer plan to do anything, and just want to tell someone so it isn’t a secret or burden to hold forever.

I don’t know how to get away from the fear of being judged by a professional. There are amazing people who work in mental health services, where I have felt safe and not judged, but just the knowledge it is a “luck of the draw” whether I get a professional I can talk to or not is enough to make it really hard to initiate.

The fear of being judged permeates assessments by professionals, depending on the professional I’ll disclose different parts of my story, all of it true, just focussed on the stuff they already know, or sometimes (when with a more difficult professional) can’t do anything to make the situation any worse. I see all professionals on a spectrum from “perfect” to “awful”, so my stories go on the spectrum as well. The closer to “perfect”, the more of my story you get, and the more you get, the more I believe you can help.

Intrusive thoughts are restricted so tightly I’ve only initially disclosed them when already in significant distress as a last resort for finding help. On the plus side, the existence of them was written in my notes, so more professionals became aware, and eventually I could talk about them with my normal psychiatrist. I probably would have been comfortable discussing them anyway with the people I talked to, but having their mere existence in my notes gave me a starting point, and they started the conversation so I felt confident it wasn’t “attention seeking” behaviour.

And that brings me onto another part of a fear of being judged. A fear of being seen as “attention seeking”. I haven’t had this said to me, maybe because of the lack of attention I seek to avert an incident, only afterwards when there is a concrete physical ailment to treat.

The best I can do is honestly briefing a professional how I’ve been, not how I think I’m going to be. The past seems set in stone, I can’t alter my current behaviour to make my past more attention seeking. Discussing the future on the other hand (especially when my “choice” to self-harm is emphasised…).

If you can reach for help before something happens, then that is great, don’t feel bad about doing so, unlike me…

Its world of isolation

recoverymaybeLeave a comment

Tonight as I write this I’ve cried, feeling isolated, and misunderstood.

In the last couple of days I have felt intensely suicidal (fortunately it has passed). Both times I’ve had to find a way to cope, as it feels impossible to burden someone I know, and care about, that I feel so bad.

Yesterday I called “Papyrus Hopeline”. Just talking about why I was feeling awful was enough to get the overwhelming thoughts of self-harming (which includes suicidal self-harm).

Today it was putting myself through the unpleasant task of cleaning my bathroom, which is unpleasant enough and distracting in its own right to cause my thoughts to quiet. That was almost enough, messaged a friend in the evening just so someone knew I wasn’t feeling great.

Just to be clear, I haven’t hurt myself. I’ve wanted to, pulled a cord tight around my neck just to see how it felt, and looked in a drawer for blades (turns out I disposed of them, so I couldn’t use them).

For now my coping mechanisms work, I’m safe. However I am terrified that they’ll fail, and I’ll end up in A&E, a police car as a result, or worse. Yep, if you didn’t know, when you don’t need immediate medical attention, but are at risk of serious harm the generally the police will attend, not medical professionals.

The frustration at my OCD isn’t new, but at times it feels unbearable, despite being the same as it always is.

That’s pretty much it. There are people, but burdening them with how I feel feels impossible, even when it isn’t.